She-fund, Wee Fund, We all Scream for Refund
Hello, Customer Service? We were promised a child last year. A human one. As you know, unless you're a robot, it's hard to tell over the phone, but as the rest of us know, humans need sleep in order to survive. Just ask my wife. After she wakes up from being dead.
Instead, we got this cupie doll with the string permanently pulled. She gets idle from time to time, but boy, stick some sweet potato casserole in her gob and she's good to go for another 2, 3 days.
Sure, she pretends. We'll get her in her crib and tiptoe away, but forty minutes later, just when the adults next door have slinked off to la-la, boom goes the dynamite, and Little Miss Sheena of the Jungle has to start roaring at the tippy top of her cute little lungs.
There is a saying, 'Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.' We don't understand that. Perhaps the baby would be quieter out in the alley. Happier with the feral cats, whom she emulates.
For two nights straight she has literally not gone an hour without waking up. Her big brother hasn't helped matters by getting up three times himself just for fun. Daddy just can't break through the back-arching screeches with a soothing little diddy bout Jack & Diane or Fred & Ethel or anyone. She could give a shit where the wheels on the bus go.
Friends have told us that it might be a growth spurt and/or teething. At this rate, she better grow to be 13 feet tall and have a mouth like a shark, with two rows of teeth pointed in different directions, allowing her to eat Porterhouses like tic-tacs.
At any rate, since she was free, we can't really ask for our money back. How 'bout an instruction manual?
Instead, we got this cupie doll with the string permanently pulled. She gets idle from time to time, but boy, stick some sweet potato casserole in her gob and she's good to go for another 2, 3 days.
Sure, she pretends. We'll get her in her crib and tiptoe away, but forty minutes later, just when the adults next door have slinked off to la-la, boom goes the dynamite, and Little Miss Sheena of the Jungle has to start roaring at the tippy top of her cute little lungs.
There is a saying, 'Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.' We don't understand that. Perhaps the baby would be quieter out in the alley. Happier with the feral cats, whom she emulates.
For two nights straight she has literally not gone an hour without waking up. Her big brother hasn't helped matters by getting up three times himself just for fun. Daddy just can't break through the back-arching screeches with a soothing little diddy bout Jack & Diane or Fred & Ethel or anyone. She could give a shit where the wheels on the bus go.
Friends have told us that it might be a growth spurt and/or teething. At this rate, she better grow to be 13 feet tall and have a mouth like a shark, with two rows of teeth pointed in different directions, allowing her to eat Porterhouses like tic-tacs.
At any rate, since she was free, we can't really ask for our money back. How 'bout an instruction manual?
posted by Dan at 9:34 PM
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